YOU know... We dont...

Almost 7 months and here I am again. Just wanted to share what I feel right now.

We'll, its Wednesday and while Im on my way to office (inside the MRT North Station specifically), I have received a text from a person who usually and commonly appears on my phone. I thought it was just a 'common' text BUT I was wrong. I dont know how to feel upon reading the text. In fact, at first, I was in doubt. I even replied 'weh?'. I thought it was only a joke (hoping...). A few seconds, I came to my senses and replied again, 'ganun ka rush?'. Thoughts in my mind came rushing through; 'is it real?', 'why so rush?', 'how long?', 'she ok?', 'am i ok?', 'is this what God wants?', 'can she be ok?', 'what is she feeling now?' and many more. But I have to composed myself. I have known this possibilty or this thing to happen. But its just I was not expecting it to happen so fast. Maybe next year would be fine.

Dont know what to think of. In fact, I dont want to think about it. I want to pretend that its not happening. Different emotions/feelings is clogging my heart and mind right now. But one thing Im sure of. God cannot be mistaken. If its His will, I know that something good will come out of it. I was just so lucky that I know a God who is powerful, loving and all-knowing. In Him, I put my trust. We may be hurting now... But in the end... I know... joy will fill our hearts...

God, give us the strength we need. Help us to accept things and increase our faith in You. and in Your ways. We cannot understand or comprehend the way You think, BUT one thing we can be assure of, it is the fact that 'YOU KNOW... we dont'. Mold us. Use us.

All these I pray, In Jesus name, Amen.

I need YOU in this place...

After 3 years sa wakas ma-update din tong blog ko. And the credit goes to Ms. Vanessa Villaruel-Bocacao, the 'Queen blog-reader'. Thank you, thank you... :D

After my Kforce-Amkor employment, here I am now in NGA.
Well, what I am feeling right now? I am so bored. And I am starting to ask this question 'Is this where God really wants me to be?' Do I get Him right, that this is where I should be? Salarywise, its ok. Travel time, ok. But why I am feeling like this? I am being paid without doing any work. Wow. Is it really good? Maybe for a few days, its just ok, but for a month now? I am really starting to ask questions... Hahaha

In my stay here, there were times I really asked God of the reason or reasons why.

God, what is my purpose here in my new company? I have just learned that one of our bosses say that I was too quiet. I was kinda worried because I know that the company where I work for really looks for a 'party-people' employees. I wasn't like that God. And I believe I dont have to change to fit in. But God, why am I here? What is YOUR plan for me here? I believe, and I wanted to believe that you put me here for a reason. To bring 'some' people here back to you, I guess? But you know God, today I was in doubt. In doubt of how am I going to do that if the environment here is not who I am.. I was so down :(

God, I pray and ask that YOUR will be done. Use me in this place. Use me God to let people know of what kind of God I have. A powerful and merciful God. God strengthen me physically, emotionally and most esp. spiritually. God I need YOU in this place. I wasnt that ok when Im here most of the times. There's sadness in my heart. I am not complaining God, but God please help me deal with this. Show me what YOU want me to do. i cant continue if im like this. Need YOUR help Father and Im choosing to put my trust in YOU. In Jesus name, Amen.

Unplanned... Just feel like writing...

Kelan b ko makakatakas dito? Someone help! haha. joke lng...

i dont think someone or sumbody was feeling or knowing where i am in right now...

talkin to someone without even feeling that youre talking to that person... its as if u want to tell sumthing, actually ure telling it to that person, but deep inside u feel that its nt reaLLY A two way communication. its just like ure conducting a training or seminar (no reaction from the people thats involved, but still you caNT STOP talking. haha). and the worst is, if that person replied. You should be happy that the person responded, but in the end, youll just realized that its nt related to what ure talking earlier. What an experience.... haha...

Some people said that im good at controlling my emotions.... partly correct, partly wrong... It depends to the one who's seeing it. Have u experienced having something heavy inside of you? U just cant hold it and uve released it. The result is some people doesnt understand you. they got angry, they think that ure not that mature because of how u act. And then because of that, uve tried really hard to control ur emotion. You make urself believe that u must hide it just for yourself. Then they'll think/say that ure not right of this kind of attitude. that you have to show who the real you is. You show it, they get angry, they dont understand. you hide it, still the same result you will get. Dont know where to stand. :(

There's so many things i cant understand. So many people doesnt understand me. At first, theyre happy having me, then later, they will change. They will realize that they need to change. They dont want the way theyve communicated to me. They needed time to be away from me. Without even realizing what would it cause me... I know its nt their fault, its mine because i let myself really attached to those person. (I remembered someone had told me, 'URE TOO ATTACHED, THATS WHY URE SO AFFECTED') Ive been expectant that what they are to me wud be what i am to them also. So wrong, right? KNew it. I just cant correct it. I just cant stop it. And worst is, i can accept it. Meaning, i am willing to accept how theyre going to treat me if thats what they think is better, and if that wat makes them happy. MAybe it wud hurt me, no, it wud definitely hurt me, but i just dnt care. That is hw much they are impt to me. Stupid, huh?

I really dont know how to love right. Really dnt know how to show that people were important to me. I just dnt know the right way of showing it. I just do it in the manner i want to do it. Thinking that they wud be hapi with these, with that... But i think i was so wrong... I am always ending up hurting those people. Worst is, ITS BEEN HURTING ME MORE. i wonder if those people were aware of it. That i am also hurting.... so dramatic, huh?

But behind all of these, behind the pain, i know theres SOMEONE who really understands me. HE understands me more than i understand myself. HE understands without me opening my mouth. HE knows whats in my heart. HE knows that i am hurting. He knows that I am hurting for wrong reasons, for wrong emotions. But still i know that HE'S not laughing at me. HE'S there to help me. HE'S always been waiting for me. And I believe HE'S missing me more than anyone else is missing me, more than I miss anyone else. HE'S too good. I am not worthy for any of these thats coming from HIM.I am just not worthy. BUT know what, I KNOW HE LOVES ME, AND HES BEEN WAITING FOR ME... Teach me to love you more JESUS, because YOU really deserve this...

NEGA or POSI?

June 05... Thursday. pgkatpos ng overnight sa office..... (June 3-4)

Nkakaantok... as usual, lagi nman ata... lgi kc puyat. hehe...

ang init dito parang walang aircon... nkakaantok... di ko msyado feel un gngawa ko.... wala un mga ka-close ko dito. c irene absent.. ngpapasa ng reqts.. laya na cia.. c virna andito... miss ko c ate khulit. nkakausap ko cia pero di ko nman nkikita.. haha... c ms. rhea, absent dw pero papasok pla. pero di ko p din nkakausap sa mail... late n nman ako knina, as usual... ngbasa ko ng forum bout sa company nmin, aun, naisip ko n nman n sna makalaya n din ako... ayoko mg-change ng career path ko. ayoko snang mging tester ng ibng language, rpg nlng sna... kahit trainee nlng ulit, aus lng.. haha. ayoko maiwan dito.. ng-aapply nman ako.. pero cguro nga ndi "todo" kc still i have fears and doubts... nkakatakot un interview especially if experience un i-aask nila.. hays. sna makalaya n lhat ng gstong lumaya sa company n un... hays.. super negative at down n nman ako... sad din.. pero i wud not let those things nman to stay in my heart and my mind. if andito p din ako until now, e di cge ill find ways nlng to enjoy... cguro ill just have to see the good things behind the bad things thats happening in my life/work... ill not focus only on the left side, ill also glance to the right.... haha... adik n nman ako...


"Tell me what you want me to do Lord God, tell me what YOU want for my life..."

"BETTER THAN the RICHES OF THIS WORLD, BETTER THAN the SOUND OF MY FRIENDS' VOICES, BETTER THAN the BIGGEST DREAMS OF MY HEART, that's just the start. BETTER THAN GETTING what I SAY I NEED. BETTER THAN living the LIFE THAT I WANT TO. BETTER THAN the LOVE ANYONE COULD GIVE, YOUR LOVE IS!. YOU hold me now in YOUR arms, and NEVER LET ME GO!"

YOUR LOVE is better than all those things that my heart desires...
Ska if i let doubt and fear control me, it means i do not trust God. so why worry and fear if i have trust in Him? db db? God, give me strength and increase my faith!... Help me remove the fears and doubts in my heart...

back to work na....

Peter, do you LOVE ME?

the time ive been waiting for...

Wow! At last ma-update ko ulit tong blog ko... mtgal tgal n din n ndi ko to na-open e... i almost forgot my password... actually, nlimutan ko n nga tlga, nireset ko lng... it took me two hours para mkapasok ulit dito. haha...

y nman b kc kelangan kong bisitahin ulit tong blog n to? wala kong mgawa? no, i guess not... bsta, i feel i need to write here what i feel right now...

now let me start...
nung bumalik kmi sa libis after being deployed in makati for about 5.5 months. parang i feel n sa wakas, im home.. kc in fairness mas at home tlga sa libis... pero nun tumagal tgal n din, i feel n ndi nman n din dun tulad ng dati. wala n un mga familiar faces n nkasama nmin dun.. actually, hlos mga bgong mukha n nga e. un pgging at home, nbabawasan.. npapalitan ng boredom, minsan inis. parang dumadating sa point n mas nangingibabaw n un pgiging rebellious ko... un tipong, tlgang tamad na, wala ng gna khit n mgpraktis mgcode or sumthing... 'bkt gnto? is this work? do i really deserve this? I think i deserve better than this!'... yang mga gnyan ang ndi maiiwasang maisip pag andun ako sa 'work'. i thought un gnyan n experience is na-cut na nun bumalik kmi libis, pero ndi pla... 'maling akala' nga nman. hehe...

pero know why? lhat ng yan, natutunan ko isantabi nung may mga nkilala ko sa libis. meaning, khit n wala p din 'work' still meron ako rison y i hav to go to that place. Honestly, they're one of the risons (major rison) y i go to my work. haha.. before parang gstong gsto ko n umalis dun. kc parang wala lng din nman. wala nmang maiiba kun umalis ako dun. pero now, though career wise, plan ko p din un, pero still may 'pain' whenever naiisip ko un possibility n bka nga dumating n un time n aalis ako dun. and ayan n nga... mukhang hinahanda n ko ni Lord. Aalis n nga ko dun sa 'place' n un... di ko lam how long ako mwawala dun, pdeng 1 day, 1 week or 1 month, pero khit gnu pa kbilis or ktgal, mawawala p din ako dun... haha... knina ko nga lng nlaman un paglipat nmin and khit na may nkapagsabi n skin, still in denial pa din ako dun, hnggang no-confirm n nga and unti unti ko ng ni-grasp ang katotohanan.. haha... ni-sstart ko n din i-accept un fact n gnun tlga.. minsan khit ayaw mu, un p din ang mangyayari... mpapalayo ka sa mga nkasanayan mu, mpapalau sa mga taong ayaw mu snang mpalau sau, pero thats life.

ndi lhat ng gsto ko un ang msusunod, merong above pa sa'kin/stin n ngpaplan ng mga mangyayari sa life ko/ntin, and I have to trust Him because He knows me, better than I know myself....

Ate khulit! Ill miss you!!!
Mommy Rhea! sna maabutan pa nmin kau jan... hehe

Super OA nman ng feeling ko ata ngaun db?, bka nman 1 day lng kming mwala.. haha... anu nga ba npi-feel ko ngaun? cguro nman lam nyo na and no nid for me to state it here...


This is the time that ive been waiting for dhil sa 2 reasons...
1. mgiging bc n din kmi sa wakas, at
2. sa wakas i wil know how wud it feel to miss those people n ayoko sna mapalau skin...

Note: ndi lng tong paglipat n to ang naiisip ko. kc actually, di pa nman to gnun ka-worst kesa dun sa isa pang paghihiwalay n naiisip ko e... pero wait nyo nlng... pag mangyayari n un, ilalagay ko din un dito...

STRIKE....

'Ma, gisingin mo ko ng maaga. May rally tom. Mhirap sumakay.'
Aba, aba, aba! Rally? hehe.. What i mean is transport strike pla...

Mga 5am plng ginigising n ko ng mama ko. At xempre, ako naman, alangan ndi ako mg-pasaway, db? hehe. Binalewala ko ung strike strike n yan. Kc mga ilang times ko n rin n nrinig n may strike pero parang di nman ako apektado e. Kya, aun, di pa din ako bumangon. Sarap kayang mtulog... Naku kung alam nyo lng, n ang motivation ko para pumasok is kun wat time ako mkakauwi. haha..


Mga 6:45 n ko bumangon. Di ko alintana n totoong strike nga tlga... Di pa ko ngmadali kumilos. Naligo ako, ngbihis, ng-aus at xempre kumain... Mga 7:30-7:40, andun pa din ako sa mesa, at kumakain n parang regular day lng... Hanggang may bumili sa tindhan namin, at ang sabi, wala n dw msakyan sa labasan nmin, ung sa EDSA... At xempre aun mejo ntauhan n ko. Mga 7:50 umalis n ko ng bahay... Palabas, papuntang EDSA, ndi problem xempre. Pero sa labasan, xempre andun n ang katibayan. ang mga tao kulang nlng ay humarang sa gitna ng kalye para lng mkapagpahinto ng sasakyan. pero xempre, strike nga, kaya aun, npakadalang ng sasakyan. Pti mga bus, sobra punuan... Meron namang mga dumaan n free rides, pero haler, mga track kya un... Imaginin mu nlng kun panu sasakay ung mga girls dun, and wat if nka-palda pa sila db? Kaya, nop wonder puro lalaki ang nkasakay dun at mdami pang sabit. 'Sana sumakay nlng ko pa-monumento, bka sakaling ndi pa puno ung mga bus pag dun ako sumakay.'. Pero wala na, nkatawid n ko e...

'Naku, anung petsa n ko mkakarating ng office nito?'

'Bkit b kc ndi ako maaga kumilos?'

'Mghalf-day nlng kya ko, text ko c sir. Kso san nman ako mgstay?'

'Uwi nlng kya ako, tutal mlapit pa lng nman e.'

'Lakarin ko nlng kaya hanggang MRT?' - charing.. di ko naisip to noh! lau kaya! hehe

Commercial muna...

Dami pla nbbgo pag gntong 'transport strike'... eto mga npansin ko...

a. Tumatapang ang mga tao. Humaharang n sa daanan.. Sasakyan n ang ntatakot dhil bka msagasaan cla ng tao. haha

b. Babae n ung humahawak sa lalaki. Haha. Meron kc q nksabay sa nsakyan ko, siksikan kc, tos ung mga lalaki p ung naunang sumakay (eto ntural n to sa panahon ngaun e). pero ang kakaiba e, di n ngsusungit ang babae pag nhahawakan, cia n ang humahawak. 'Manong, phawak ah.'. haha

c. Mluwag ang MRT, in fairness. Panu b nman, ndi mkarating ng mrt ang iba...

d. May mga truck n parang truck ng bsura. joke lng. hehe. Ung mga free rides, pansin ko lng, puro lalaki ang skay. Bkit kya?

a. mbilis cla kumilos

b. pogi ung drayber

c. mas mlakas cla sa mga babae kya naitutulak nila ang mga psakay n sna n mga babae

d. mas kuripot cla..

f. hirap humakbng ang babae. mataas kc ang hahakbangin mu bgo ka makaakyat ng truck? or

e. ngkataon lng

Wala lng.. extra lng yan.. mga npansin ko lng yan... Kc nman, parang nwawalan n ko ng pag-asa n mkakasakay ako e... At ewan kun bkit npalakad ako, kc kesa nman tumanga ko dun, xempre nglakad nlng ako... pero di ko lam kun san ako sstop.. Hanggang sa isang knto, may pliko n isang private n sasakyan. At di ko lam kun anu ang nging negosasyon at nrinig ko nlng ng 'SIGE, MRT'. Not sure if may nangyaring tkutan or kusang loob. pero gnun pa man. thankful ako. Xempre nman!. At Xempre pagkarinig ko ng 'MRT' aun nkisakay n ko. saktong sakto. Libre pa... Saya!

At ang nsabi ko nlng.. 'Thank you Lord!' I know deserve ko n ma-late dhil sa mga kalokohan ko, at katamaran ko, pero God's grace p din n nkasakay ako... Nhihiya tuloy ako. I dont deserve it, pero still nkasakay ako. Bait tlga ni Lord. Npa-pray tuloy ako n sna makasakay n din ung iba, na sna madaming mga dumaan n mga gnun. hehe.

Nkakatuwa, kc 9am nsa office n ko. E smantlang khapon, late ako. 9:09 ako dumating. Knowing n wlang strike nun ah. Pero now, tingnan mu nga nman, may strike pero ndi ako late. Di ako ng-effort n pumasok ng maaga nyan. hehe... Dont get me wrong, I am not boasting or saying n gnun dpat gwin nyo. Pero i just wud like to say n really God is so full of grace. I really know n deserve kong ma-late pero still ndi nangyari. God is good. Lesson n din un skin mlamang... hehe.

Pero lam ko meron pang problem mmya, kun panu n nman ako mkakauwi at kun gnu n nman khirap sumakay. Pero xempre, if knina nga, di NYA ko pinabayaan, wat more pa mmya... Hays... Exciting.. Sna uwian na!. Laban na!