Kelan b ko makakatakas dito? Someone help! haha. joke lng...
i dont think someone or sumbody was feeling or knowing where i am in right now...
talkin to someone without even feeling that youre talking to that person... its as if u want to tell sumthing, actually ure telling it to that person, but deep inside u feel that its nt reaLLY A two way communication. its just like ure conducting a training or seminar (no reaction from the people thats involved, but still you caNT STOP talking. haha). and the worst is, if that person replied. You should be happy that the person responded, but in the end, youll just realized that its nt related to what ure talking earlier. What an experience.... haha...
Some people said that im good at controlling my emotions.... partly correct, partly wrong... It depends to the one who's seeing it. Have u experienced having something heavy inside of you? U just cant hold it and uve released it. The result is some people doesnt understand you. they got angry, they think that ure not that mature because of how u act. And then because of that, uve tried really hard to control ur emotion. You make urself believe that u must hide it just for yourself. Then they'll think/say that ure not right of this kind of attitude. that you have to show who the real you is. You show it, they get angry, they dont understand. you hide it, still the same result you will get. Dont know where to stand. :(
There's so many things i cant understand. So many people doesnt understand me. At first, theyre happy having me, then later, they will change. They will realize that they need to change. They dont want the way theyve communicated to me. They needed time to be away from me. Without even realizing what would it cause me... I know its nt their fault, its mine because i let myself really attached to those person. (I remembered someone had told me, 'URE TOO ATTACHED, THATS WHY URE SO AFFECTED') Ive been expectant that what they are to me wud be what i am to them also. So wrong, right? KNew it. I just cant correct it. I just cant stop it. And worst is, i can accept it. Meaning, i am willing to accept how theyre going to treat me if thats what they think is better, and if that wat makes them happy. MAybe it wud hurt me, no, it wud definitely hurt me, but i just dnt care. That is hw much they are impt to me. Stupid, huh?
I really dont know how to love right. Really dnt know how to show that people were important to me. I just dnt know the right way of showing it. I just do it in the manner i want to do it. Thinking that they wud be hapi with these, with that... But i think i was so wrong... I am always ending up hurting those people. Worst is, ITS BEEN HURTING ME MORE. i wonder if those people were aware of it. That i am also hurting.... so dramatic, huh?
But behind all of these, behind the pain, i know theres SOMEONE who really understands me. HE understands me more than i understand myself. HE understands without me opening my mouth. HE knows whats in my heart. HE knows that i am hurting. He knows that I am hurting for wrong reasons, for wrong emotions. But still i know that HE'S not laughing at me. HE'S there to help me. HE'S always been waiting for me. And I believe HE'S missing me more than anyone else is missing me, more than I miss anyone else. HE'S too good. I am not worthy for any of these thats coming from HIM.I am just not worthy. BUT know what, I KNOW HE LOVES ME, AND HES BEEN WAITING FOR ME... Teach me to love you more JESUS, because YOU really deserve this...
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